So i have been lately alot about mental road blocks people, but more specifically singers place on themselves.
Well this is one of those things i have been pondering on. A couple weeks ago i had sung in a master class, and after i was discussing some of the things i could improve on, with my private voice teacher. we were talking about alot of different things but then something was said in which i replied, well i would probably be more willing to try something crazy and new in front of a group of peers instead of in a practice room with my teacher. You can imagine the brief shock that went through my heart at that moment. all i can remember thinking is why is that the case. and why on earth would i feel more comfortable singing some crazy blur in front of people i dont know as well rather then someone i have spend years studying with???
The answer i think was more shocking to me then i had originally had thought. Basically it boiled down to the fact that i am scared to let those i truly care about hear me sing in a daily setting. As i thought i realized that i have a mental block with letting people i care about hear me sing because i think they are going to judge me on what it sounds like. but it goes further i take it so far as to say that i think that if i let them hear me sing and i dont sound good that they will like me less and that i wont matter as much to them.......Can you see why this is twisted. I know its not rational, but since when has any mental block ever been rational? its not thats why its a block.
So then i analyzed my singing habits. i dont practice in front of my parents or family members. i practice in my car driving or in a practice room at school. My whole family can tell you this is true. i guess i just felt safer singing there then with them all around. then i though about all the times people have asked me to sing on the spot and how many times i have said no because i was too embarrassed about them thinking i was bad. As you can tell all of these instances are about me thinking, people think i will be bad. The reality of the matter is that rarely if anyone willl ever tell me i suck to the point of them hating me.
I stand up in front of all my teachers semester after semester having a jury and they are constantly encouraging me, and giving me pointers as to where i can improve so i can achieve the best sound possible. that to me is an awesome experience and i am greatful every time for somebody showing me how to be that much better and how to get an even better sound. but the fact of the matter is this.......IF I DONT MENTALLY BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY ARE SAYING WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO ME?
Really they could say it all they want but in my head if i blow it off im not really learning anything. I cannot explain enough what an eye opener it was for me to realize, I had so many mental block when it came to performing. Singing really is a physical activity and not a mental one. The realization of that has taught me alot and i have grown so much more from that then i think i have at any other place in my singing career. I can sing as pretty as i can but it isnt untill all the brain chatter and mental blocks go away that a person can REALLY start to connect to singing a piece of music.
I believe music is sung as a means of expressing ones self and ones emotions, many times words cannot express all the words somebody has to share because they just dont make logical sense. So what good does it do a person to hold back a part of themselves, or censor themselves. they at that point are no longer putting their whole soul into singing and it is just robotics and going through the motions of it. is that stilll good...YES, but it is missing the magic that everyone is looking for.
there is just something about a confident musician. all the famous singers out there have it. That confident attitude of i know im good so im going to share this with you. we dont go to see a performer who is afraid and shy on stage. we go to see confident people who love what they do. They know that just beause somebody may not love their voice or the genera of music they choose to sing doesnt mean people dont like them.
That has taken me a very long time to not only realize but to really get past. it was not a easy road mind you and it still may take me awhile to really gain a strong grasp on this, but realizing and being able to get past it is the first step in becoming a better musician. i am now more determined then ever to create that sense of confidence in my singing, that i know should and can be there.
So its my new goal for the rest of the semester to gain this sense of confidence in my singing. I have just recently gained that confidence in every day life, so it really was just a matter of time before it came in my singing life also.
Its interesting to me why this has all of a sudden decided to come up. Life has a strange way of teaching you a lesson i one aspect of your life then transforming, just like a rolling snow ball becomes bigger as it rolls. this is one of those moments for me in my life. something else had to happen in order for me to gain the necessary knowledge to grow. Heavenly Father truly knew what he was doing when he thought me confidence last year. i know everything happens for a reason, and i am even more excited to know that this is the break thorough i have been needing to achieve the next level of musical advancement.
So here is to all those doors and possibilities opening in order to continue on this great musical journey.