Wednesday, September 17, 2014
So I needed a way to express my feelings about dealing with my arthritis and this is how I am going to express myself. So recently life has been really hard, I mean really hard. Dealing with arthritis has it really sucky moments. Well over the past two years I have gotten to the point where I can no longer touch my left leg much below the knee. Yes I can't even touch my toes. As you might be able to guess I can no longer put shoes on either. It's really hard to admit that but it sucks to not be able to do that. It feels like I am no longer a real human. I and almost 29 years old and I am so disabled because of arthritis I have lost the ability to function as a normal human being. For the most part I try to deny I have this happening to me and I brush it off and I continue to go on like any other person but it catches up with me. Recently I started physical therapy. It has helped but honestly ace me have to really look at myself and truly admit I am disabled. I don't like to think of myself as disabled but I am. One day I will tell you how it feels to be in a wheelchair. That one subject could fill an entire blog post so I will save that. But accepting a disability is hard. Admitting it changes your life forever is something different but having it happen so young changes things. It puts a damper on relationships. I have been on tinder and such trying to meet men. It's been successful in the fact that I find and talk to incredible men. They are put together great men, who initionally are interested in me. We talk and have fun getting to know each other. And this is how the rest of it goes. We get to the point where we decide we want to meet. So we do and they notice I limp. They don't say anything at first but eventually at some point in the date the bring it up. So I tell the truth. Of course I don't explain the full truth or they really would run for the hills, but just enough to be honest. And I can tell on their faces it is something they can't handle. They can't deal with me having that. I can't really blame them either with the billions of other girls in child rearing years why would they pick one who can't walk let alone put on shoes and socks. So they leave politely as possible but want nothing further to do with me. The second thing that happens is that while talking I sY something bout having arthritis and as soon as I say that they respond with well it seems like you have it under control but then after me trying to start up another conversation I get no response. Which means they decided they don't want to waste their time getting to know me. I have actually had some guys stop mid conversation with me and stop responding. That hurts a lot. But what I have found no matter what the situation is or how I present it. Or when I say something is that NO guys want to be with me. It's just how it goes. There is a reason I am Turing 29 and still haven't been in a relationship or kissed a guy. Some of my friends said that some of them are concerned that I won't be able to have sex with them. I don't care the reasons behind it I just want someone to love me. I see all the time women who have stuff ring with them and women in wheelchairs yet they find me who love them. So why is it so hard for me to find anyone who is even interested in dating me. I don't get it. I am so much more then my disability. But they don't see that. They don't see the strength it takes for me to be who I am. They don't see anything past arthritis. I am still hanging on to the hope that one day it will change. But how long can a person hope and dream of something without ever getting even the smallest ounce of encouragement that things will change. At this Point it is pure faith in god that is keeping me going. I have nothing left to give. I have no other options. I have thought about everything possible. And nothing changes. How long can a person be put n the same position over and over again and think something will change. Isn't that the definition of insane. But I will continue to keep putting myself out there in the hopes that one day something will happen. I see others getting in and put of relationships. I see clearly what I want and what I deserve I have even tried lowering what I want to simply being LDS. But yet still nothing. It will take a special man to look past all of it and want to take care of me. What I am saying is it is hard and I don't think most people actually see or realize just how hard it really is. I am strong and I won't stop but it is taking all of the strength. And a whole ton I didn't even know I had to deal with my arthritis daily. It's a struggle I keep quiet for the most part because who really wants to see that. They don't plus it's easier to just put on a happy face and pretend like it's not happening . Actually most of the time I am in my own little world being greatful it is not worse. And while yes it could be much much worse I feel like I have to share the struggles I have because most of the time all people will see is the happy me. While I find that to be very helpful and. Y true self sharing what I struggle with makes me human. It makes me who I am. It makes me authentic. I hope by sharing this I touch at least one person. Serving others helps me forget myself. And I love that. Anyways I could share what helps me get over feeling sorry for myself but I will save that for another post. Right now I just needed to share the raw emotions of my struggle to release the pain and hurt I am feeling. It's real guys and sometimes it hurts, more then I can even describe.