Tuesday, March 1, 2016

One year post surgery

Ok, so I had quite a few thoughts about life after a full hip replacement. That day was one year ago. I was so scared walking into that hospital. I wanted to just turn around and say sorry I decided I really don't any to do this anymore. At the time I thought the pain of every day life would be better than the unknown of getting this major surgery. I was also scared because there was no turning back. Once someone saws your bone in half your kinda in this for the long hall. You can even ask my mom. I laid in the waiting room crying because I wasn't sure about all that it entailed. To this day I'm. It quite sure why I didn't run out of the room and say never mind. All I remember saying was lord please help me get through this. I don't know if anyone can ever really put the words together to adequately describe how someone feels going through such a major surgery unless you have experienced it. I think the thing that made it worse was that I am so young. To be 29 (now 30) and having this kind of a surgery was scary in and of itself. To put the thoughts of that day into words I was scared of the unknown. Scared of the future, scared to put my life into the hands of someone else. Yes I was scared of something bad happening, but I was also scared of the possibility that things could finally look up for me. A life without pain, at the time felt like the biggest lie I could imagine. The idea that I didn't have to accept this as my life was far beyond that person grasp of thinking. Luckily for me today life is quite different from what it was a year ago. I can not even begin to describe to you what it has meant to have this new life. It has taken me awhile to figure out now how to function as a "normal" person. It was strange and scary at first. luckily I had a therapist who aided me in figuring out what this new life was and really what I wanted. It was so hard at first. She would say imagine yourself dancing doing what you loved to do. And I can honestly say I couldn't even bring myself to dream that possible because I had accepted the fact that I was just forever suppose to be in pain and not be able to do certain things. I can tell you that is not the case anymore. And while I haven't actually been dancing anywhere the fact that I know I could and I would be good at it again is enough for me. I guess this past year in regards to the surgery has been full of ups and downs. I have been scared to do things because I didn't want to over do it, but honestly I don't think I have pushed myself to that limit yet. I have had the opportunity now to go hiking with my friend. That was an experience. It was such an accomplishment. Let me tell you. We both were so happy I could do it. It was neat to experience that moment with my friend because she had been there when I struggled to walk sometimes. She took good care of me those times and always provided me with a shoulder to lean on when I struggled to walk, or an arm to hold onto. I asked her once why she always helped when I clearly never asked. She said when her mom was disabled she just got in the habit of holding her arm out for her so it was the same thing. She clearly knew I was just as stubborn and would not ask all the time I needed help. We even had a few awkward moments of me not being able to do stuff and her quickly and without hesitation helping. But after you have experience all of those things and then you finally get to experience the joy of hiking up a mountain together (cause well now you can) a lot of the joy and accomplishment of the moment just doesn't need to be said it is just felt. That I think has been my greatest accomplishment this past year. That dang mountain. It only took us 3.5 hours. Longer then normal but hey it wasn't even 6 months after the surgery. The other thing is I have now had the opportunity to look at my life and decide what parts I have wanted to change and make a new direction for myself. Like I said before it was hard for me to think about a future when I knew my disability would clearly stop me from those things. Well once I didn't have that obstacle in my way, it left for quite the decisions to be made. I'm not sure I fully made the decision yet but it's nice to know I have more options. I only recently have made the resolve to try my hand at those 'unknown' things and so far I like it. It feels good to look at something I want to do and just be able to go after it. It may not be right for me but I'm glad I now have the option. Honestly if you would have asked me one year ago today how I thought my life would turn out. I could not have imagined this. I don't necessarily think it's because this magical huge even happened. The change happened because I was able to grow mentally and spiritually because of it. Yes, I am able to do a lot of different things now. And I am beyond grateful for that but it was because my body finally matched what brain wanted to achieve. I feel so blessed that modern medicine has been able to come so far that it was able to give me a new hip. Honestly I had the best doctor ever. They took extra care of me and reassured me that he had done this many times before and that he was confident this would improve my quality of life. He said he would take extra good care of me and would make sure this was perfect. And he did. I am grateful for modern medicines am grateful for modern medicine, because without it I would still be in so much pain. So I guess I'm writing this to refresh myself on the events this year, but also to explain a bit more about what has happened to me this year. I don't think I explained a lot about what happened before the surgery or during or right after. It was hard for me to express myself and be sure of any decision at that time. Any huge event like that would. I don't know if even now one year after the big event if I fully understand and have a grasp on what it has meant to my life. I'm still figuring that out. And I am still finding my limits. I think it's trusting my limits now that I'm still scared of. This prob felt like a scattered post, and I know it is. I just felt like I needed to express a few of my thoughts about the subject over the past year. And maybe most of this is for me but honestly I think that everyone gets so wrapped up in the day to day life that we forget others have been struggling with things also. I know I do. I want everyone to know that I understand life gets crazy but I also understand that sometimes the biggest risk we take is trusting ourselves. Trusting we can have a better life for ourselves and then actually having the courage to do something to make it better. I know because I know I didn't fully believe it myself at first. It wasn't until I let go and decided to let God take control of my life that I truly got my life back. Life is scary. I know I have been through it. It's how use your second chance that makes the difference. So the moral of this blog/ rant is that you shouldn't take any day for granted and that you should not be scared of the unknowns in your life. Even when you are so scared you can't even put into words all of your feelings and you don't know if you will ever be able to put into words your thoughts. Keep going, one day you will figure it out. Life isn't always hard, and it does get easier. And don't be scared of the unknown. Unknown doesn't mean bad. It's simple unknown. I think that's why it's so good to be optimistic about life. Why spend your time worry about all the bad things going wrong? Dreaming and focusing on life being good is so much healthier and peaceful then worrying. I have also found that in the dreaming you make better things happen for yourself. Ok, so most of this was written last night as I reflected on the events that have happened. Today I went for a one year check up on my hip. It was a good visit. I haven't been having any complications with the hip so it was a short visit but it was good to be reassured that my hip is working well and that everything is going well. We talked briefly about how life has been and he said that I should feel comfortable running now. Well, not that I should take up running but to feel comfortable being able to run after a kid if they are running out in the street, etc. he said n=most people feel that comfortable at about a year. So that is good news to know that now I am able to do more things. I think that just goes along with my idea that I still haven't found all of my "limits" with this new hip. I know for sure I need to be extra careful. Like not doing things where I could fall or put myself at risk of getting hurt. But, I think that is a given. Overall this has been quite the year. I hope this blog has helped you to understand a bit more about me and my life/struggle, as well as has helped me document my progress on my new lives journey.