Monday, April 16, 2012

Random Thoughts on Music and its Beauty

So right now I am sitting down with a piece of music. This isnt any piece of music, nope it is the song that I will be conducting the chamber choir with tomorrow. I dont know why but for the first time since having the piece I am connecting to it, and its not your every day ya that piece is nice. No, this is like serious movements of glory and wonder and awe for this piece. I have been needing to connect to this piece for awhile now but it hasnt been coming, i dont fully know why it took me so long to be able to realize all this piece has to offer but i see it now. I also am reminded of just how much beauty, love and life lessons can be learned from music, it isnt the same for everyone and thats ok it doent have to be but there is sincere beauty in music. As a music major sometimes I forget that music really is what makes my life complete and beautiful. i live to sing and perform and study the beauty in music. it isnt until I sit back and let the music become ingrained in me that i fully comprehend all that music has to offer. And that is what has just happened to me. I have connected to a piece so strongly that it brought me to tears. As a conductor it is your job to be able to protray the emotion behind the piece that the original composer intended to share. i understood that in theory but it wasnt until tonight that i FELT that. I know i will be scared out of my mind to lead but i know i need to put that aside for the sake of creating beautiful music. I guess the big lesson im learning right now is what it means to feel like a conductor. im not use to that feeling because up until now it has only been about me. it has been either following the emotions that somebody else is creating for the piece or singing by myself to create the emotion. this just takes all of that up another step. It is about placing yourself in a role and showing that in every part of your body. ok, well i dont know if i am making much sense to any one. I guess what im trying to say is that im learning. Im learning again that i love music, i love the emotions that are conveyed through music and i love how the same piece of music can touch people in different ways. A piece of music that once was just notes and symbols on a page have taken on a life of its own in my heart. I hope i will be able to express my dream and my vision for this piece of music tomorrow and do it the justice it deserves.

just so you know the piece i have chosen to conduct is "Bitter for Sweet" by John Chorbajian, the words are taken from a poem written by Christina Rossetti.  if you havent listened to you i encourage you to look it up.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Arthritis Doesnt Define Me it Refines ME

OK, so Arthritis sucks....alot actually, anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. If you dont know me or havent figured out by that last sentence, i have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and sometimes it really sucks. and lately yes it has gotten the better of me. I mean in my head not actually out in the open (to real people) because i made a promise to myself a long time ago i would not be know to everyone as "The Girl with RA".  I saw those people who used diseases to make excuses as to why they could live life to the fullest and excuses as to why they didnt do things they wanted to clearly do. so i promised myself i would do what it took to stay motivated and to not use that as my main excuse. For the most part it has actually worked and I have people in all aspects of my life, church, school, friends, who all compliment me for always having a smile on my face even when they can clearly see im in pain and struggling. I will be honest this is not always the case, sometimes especially at home. I simply cant keep going and i need help to do things. I do my best to not get to those times but sometimes they just come and there is nothing i can do, I feel helpless and I have to rely on others to do simple tasks.  As of lately that task has been putting on shoes, because my hip is the joint that has decided to flair up i cant put on socks and shoes easily so I had to ask my little sister to put it on for me. she always does it and is really sweet about it. she is 6 and I dont think she understands why I cant but she helps me all the same. I will admit that I dont normally ask for all the help i need because I feel like I should be able to do them and really wish I could do them so i muddle through whatever pain that entails to prove to myself I can be as independent as possible....Sometimes that works better then others but eventually it gets done and i can move on. And move on I do....

side note: I do love when people just ask to help me or insist on helping me even when i feel like i can do things. I have a new friend who does this constantly and because i dont ask for all the help i need, (which she knows) and because she wants to help it has helped build a friendship of caring, and service in which i am forever greatful.

I dont dwell on  the things i cant do, but focus on the things i can and do my best at them. im glad the people around me can see how happy i really am in spite of the current situation i find myself in. i know it is but a small challenge and i truely believe that everything happens for a reason and this is one of those things. i do not understand why God has chosen to refine and polish me like this but i know i am greatful he has put so much trust in me to continue and endure. The biggest reason why i feel like i can get through all of this is the lord. i have faith that this will not be an eternal disease that i will carry and i know that one day i will be able to have my body back. I look at my disease like this....if i make excuses when i do have RA, and has physical limitation one day after i die, it will be ingrained in me to make excuses and to find another way to make excuses for myself to not participate. that is something i dont want. i want to be able to take full responsibility for my actions and be honest in what i want. I have found joy in doing that because im honest with myself and others, and suprising has eased the pain of the RA because i tell my body to suck it up and keep going...yes i talk to my body and my joints often.....i think if people were around me at all hours of the day they would be suprised with how much i really do talk to myself.  i say things like...ok body keep going, i know you can do this, and ok one step at a time till your there. Little things like that really do help....maybe im a little crazy but dont knock it till you try it.

One thing i enjoy is people i dont know well saying oh i didnt realized you had arthritis, and i secretly love it when somebody i have told i have it forget and when im having a bout of pain come to me again and sincerely ask whats means i have done my job in not being "That Girl with RA".  I really, really sincerely hope i become that girl who smiles and faces challenges head on without excuses and can be honest through all of it.  Because i want to be known as more then that. Arthritis doesnt define me it refines me. yes and ill say it again Arthritis doesnt define me it refines me. i thoroughly believe that is true and i am in a constant process of refinement. i know i am not perfect and i have a long way to go but i know through my faith and through my heavenly father i can get through anything.   it is that faith that i believes gives me the strength to keep pushing and and enduring well.

i normally dont like to talk about my arthritis but for weeks i have been thinking that i needed to write a blog on this subject, i dont know if its just for myself or if it will inspire anyone but either way i needed to write the words that have been on my mind.  i sincerely hope that anybody reading this realizes that no amount of pain or struggles are ever in vain. Strength doesnt come in a day it comes with CHOOSING every single day of your life to be happy to keep going even when it get tough. yes some days are hard to get out of bed ( I KNOW) but the constant process of simply willing yourself to get out there and go and choosing to have a positive attitude through it all will change your life and one day before you know it it becomes easy and just a part of who you are.  "STRUGGLES DONT DEFINE YOU THEY REFINE YOU"  keep going and push on life does it get easier and even if it doesnt......well it could be worse.  (i tell myself that too). life is good and gods grace has blessed me with so much. i am grateful i have come to see the many blessing he has blessed me with, and the strength he has given me to press on and endure well.